I didn't choose it. But no. It isn't a preference, it isn't... [ he thinks of his mask, his jaw clenching. ] an affectation. That I can discard. They made their choices, and I made mine.

[ His voice is very tight, but somehow he manages to keep the anger out of his grip on her hand. It isn't easy, but he is absolutely determined not to hurt her, not even by squeezing her hand too hard. ]

I told you she sent me away. To train with Luke. To become a great Jedi. Her hope.
I tried, Padmé. I tried so hard to stamp out the darkness. I gave them everything I had, trying to be what they wanted. But it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

[ He meets her eyes, searching for something in there- he doesn't even know exactly what he's looking for. He wants to tell her. Having tasted being seen he aches, so intensely, for someone to help him carry the secret. But while it remains inside of him and there alone, while he possesses it, he controls it, too. He's not certain he's ready to let it go.
He almost wishes Rey were here, despite the tension she would cause. ]

She doesn't know anything about Ben Solo. None of them do. She doesn't know what they did. To him. [ His breath catches. Shudders. ] It would destroy her.