[IC CONTACT]

[photophobic]

You should know where to find me.
But if you leave a message here, I will see it.

Comments

[vanto]

[Eli is surprised by the lack of screen and distance hides it. On tv it looks just like Eli is intensely staring at his phone and typing with great deliberation.]

I know, I'm saying this because I want to, not because I feel indebted.

Your wellbeing is important. That is why I'd like to offer you carte blanche to ask for whatever it is you need. Not just now but in future too.

[He doesn't have the Force but if he did ;-; he'd help more. THANK THE STARS FOR ANAKIN.]

[photophobic]

What I need, I can't have.

[ It's a bit of a running theme, to be honest. He's getting tired of it. ]

But I will remember what you have said.
Thank you.

[vanto]

Then what is something close to what you need even if it's not quite that?

[Eli won't push for answers, as long as Ren entertains the idea maybe it would help. He's not sure.]

No need to thank me. I got your back.

[photophobic]

I don't know. I never do.

A fight. Pain. Exhaustion.

[ He could taunt Woden, perhaps.
Or try his hand at state-sanctioned violence. Fighting crime.
Maybe both.
It's irrelevant. He knows he won't be satisfied at the end, once the feeling dies. ]

I'm a weapon.

[vanto]

No.

[A pause. Concern about overstepping overridden by the need to argue that sentiment. Eli's always been argumentative about things he feels strongly.]

No. You're a person who happens to be very good at fighting, the Force.

[photophobic]

[ He reads the message. Breathes, staring at it. ]

Perhaps.
But I am better at being a weapon than anything else.

It comes to me like breathing.
Like kindness comes to you.

[vanto]

That's okay, I'm better at being an aide than anything else. Except, maybe, bartender.

[Yes, he's trying to make a little joke.]

You mean fighting comes to you like breathing. A weapon — a weapon implies that you're unfeeling, without purpose unless someone wields you. That's not right, and I apologise if my words are out of line.

You don't strike me as someone who lacks purpose or feelings or ability to make your own choices. And you shouldn't let someone else have control of those.

[Which is funny coming from Eli given...Woden.....and Thrawn but. Yanno.]

[photophobic]

[ It's too close.
Because from his perspective it's only days since he killed Snoke to tear himself out of his grasp.
Because before he was Snoke's weapon, he was Luke's.
Because he'd never really tried being anything else until coming here, and his tentative efforts are more along the lines of pushing the limits of what it means to be a weapon than stepping outside of them.

He's never been unfeeling. Far from it.
But he's never felt like he has control over his actions, and now that there is no-one he can identify as holding that power over him... what does that mean? He doesn't know.

It's foreign and uncomfortable.
It takes him a long time to come up with a reply. ]

I don't think anyone could accuse me of being unfeeling.

[vanto]

Are weapons allowed feelings? Would that not make them less efficient?

[A certainty Eli feels: someone fucked with Ren's feelings to make him this. Maybe he's wrong but Eli doesn't see how else someone becomes this.

As if someone had tried to strip and yank and tear at what Ren was; in this place was now just a gaping wound that had healed wrong and easily rubbed raw to bleed again.

This, of course, is just conjecture from Eli's point of view. He could be wrong, but this assumption gives him a launching spot from where to help.]

Also, doesn't mean he's not coming back and meanwhile, you still have me. It's not the same but.

[photophobic]

Users of the Dark Side grow stronger with anger. With hate and pain. These things fuel my power.

I am not angry because he is gone.
I am angry because I know where he is. How different it is there.
I am angry because any of us can be taken at any time.
I am angry because anything we build here can be destroyed instantly.

[ and before Eli has a chance to respond: ]

This place is not real

nothing here is real

[vanto]

[Eli is silent for a minute or two while he processes all of this. He's emotionally stable but lacking any ability that might bring more than temporary relief.

He is also on an island but Eli considers that a minor detail in all of this.]

This place is very real despite the truth being that, yeah, we have no control over what we build.

Kylo, is anyone there with you?

[photophobic]

Why would there be anyone here with me.

[vanto]

Because you have people who would be there now. If that was what you wanted.

[photophobic]

I don't want to be here with me.

[vanto]

What you find intolerable in yourself might not apply to what other people feel about you.

[...]

I don't mind being there with you.

[He's also sure all of Ren's family would, at least, try to be there and help. Right? Right.]

[photophobic]

[ It doesn't matter, he wants to shout at him. He wants a grip on the collar of Eli's shirt so tight his knuckles threaten to tear through his skin, he wants to scream it into his face. I don't care. I don't care.
Being me is intolerable.

But Eli is on the island, and Kylo Ren is perched on the remnant of the couch in Hux's trashed office, staring at his comm device. ]

For what? What would you do. What could you possibly do.

Is it that you don't believe I know that you want to help? Is that what this is about?

[vanto]

[For Eli, whose nature lacks the manipulative complexity of some, Ren's words are puzzling. ]

You're angry and upset and feeling alone.

What? No. I trust your word, that I want to be with you right now has nothing to do with that.

[photophobic]

[ Does he feel alone? The word doesn't fit, not quite.
He is, of course. But that wouldn't change if Eli were here. Whatever it is that burns in the core of him belongs there. No-one else can touch it.
And he can't remember, any more, if that's because it isn't possible, or if it's because he won't allow it. The two became the same too long ago. ]

You can't help me, Eli.

[vanto]

[No, he does not suppose he can help. Not in the way Kylo really needs but —]

I'd still try. You helped me.

[photophobic]

I know you would.

I'll contact you. If I require anything.

[vanto]

Alright, Kylo.