photophobic | [IC CONTACT]

Oh, Kylo.

[ She sighs, bringing her cloak up around his shoulders. She's seen how badly it had hurt Anakin to have Leia refuse to acknowledge him as her father. She can only imagine how much harder the sting for Kylo to be rejected by his mother, even if it is not the version of his mother he knows. (Rejected, possibly, twice over? She still does not know what happened for him to have drifted so far.)

She's quiet for a long moment, mulling things over. ]

What is it that she sees now? I do not know what happened between you two today.

She cannot accept me as her son as I am.

[ He looks down at their hands and lets his eyes close. ]

I am unacceptable. And not even because of what I have done. She wants me to be Ben Solo, a boy she never even met. A child she-- my mother. Sent away.

I have done... terrible things. Things that cannot be undone. But I am capable of... more. I can be kind. I can be gentle, and... loving. Those things belong to me just as much as anything else. I won't--

[ I won't give them to Ben Solo, he wants to snarl. ]

I won't let her say that there is nothing good in me.

[ Padme mulls those words over, considers. Would she have found it possible to accept, if Anakin had chosen to ask her to accept him only as Darth Vader?

It would be difficult, certainly. It is hard enough, to understand both what he has done and what he has chosen here, and for her, and what she has hope he will continue to choose. But she has known him always as Anakin, more than half of both of their lives by now. And he did not take Darth Vader as a name except for as a servant to Palpatine. ]

There was a reason you chose not to be Ben Solo anymore. [ When she speaks, it's with certainty. (Why Ben Solo? Why not Organa or Skywalker? There are always questions in the back of her mind, even if she can guess many of the answers.) ] To take a new name. For it to matter so strongly to you that this is who you are, and that you not be Ben anymore.

[ She lifts her head from his shoulder, but only enough to face him and look into his eyes, her hand and arm still wrapped around his. ]

I do not fear you, Kylo. And I will not, no matter what you say. You have proven to me more than enough that there is good in you.

I didn't choose it. But no. It isn't a preference, it isn't... [ he thinks of his mask, his jaw clenching. ] an affectation. That I can discard. They made their choices, and I made mine.

[ His voice is very tight, but somehow he manages to keep the anger out of his grip on her hand. It isn't easy, but he is absolutely determined not to hurt her, not even by squeezing her hand too hard. ]

I told you she sent me away. To train with Luke. To become a great Jedi. Her hope.
I tried, Padmé. I tried so hard to stamp out the darkness. I gave them everything I had, trying to be what they wanted. But it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

[ He meets her eyes, searching for something in there- he doesn't even know exactly what he's looking for. He wants to tell her. Having tasted being seen he aches, so intensely, for someone to help him carry the secret. But while it remains inside of him and there alone, while he possesses it, he controls it, too. He's not certain he's ready to let it go.
He almost wishes Rey were here, despite the tension she would cause. ]

She doesn't know anything about Ben Solo. None of them do. She doesn't know what they did. To him. [ His breath catches. Shudders. ] It would destroy her.

Edited 2018-02-12 18:30 (UTC)

[ Underneath this, underneath all of this, is what happened. Padme knows that, deep in her heart.

What happened to all of them. Leia. Luke. Kylo. What happened to them, and what they chose. She knows - has known for some time now - that she will not find any of it pleasant in the details. But she has also already known that long enough that she finds it does not hold as much fear as it once did. ]

There was Snoke, working on you. I know that. [ She meets his gaze squarely, earnestly. There's sadness there, the sadness Leia once spoke of when she remembered her mother's face. Padme cannot change what has happened in the future any more than she can change her death. ]

And I do not know, truly, about Luke or Leia, or you. It is hard, to come before so much of what has affected those you care about. And I think it is easily as difficult to come from later times. Both knowledge and the lack of it are equally difficult to move past.

Tell me about what they did to Ben, then.

[ A simple answer, in it's way, but it is an invitation. ]

[ He wants to retort that this was before Snoke, but-- was it? He can't be certain. And while Snoke can be blamed for many things, it's not like the darkness has let him go now he's dead. How much of it was in him from the beginning, he can't be sure. He'll never know.

He gathers himself. She asked, and he's willing to share. If anyone can be trusted with secrets... ]

I was at the Jedi school Luke had set up. I studied all the texts I could get my hands on, I spent every waking moment training- physical and mental exercises. Luke could barely keep up with me, and I- I struggled. Not with the lessons. With the darkness.

[ No, he's going to have to let go of her hand- he can feel the pressure building, the rage surging under the surface, and he refuses to harm her with it. ]

I could tell he sensed it. I knew he was concerned. But I thought-- I was subduing it. I never used it, Padmé, I didn't. Because I knew, if I ever did, I would never be able to stop. And I don't know why it was that night rather than any other. I don't remember anything different about it. Nothing.
But he waited until I was asleep. And he crept into my bedroom, armed with his lightsaber.

I woke just in time to defend myself from the attack. And that- that was when I stopped being their Ben Solo.

[ She listens. At first her face is unwavering, calm. When he lets go of her hand she moves her grasp instead to his forearm, gentle and not demanding, but still present.

Still listening.

But it shows on her face, when he speaks of that night, the devastation she feels, the sorrow for both him and for Luke. Luke had forgiven Anakin, had sought to redeem him. For him to have not extended the same hand to Kylo - to Ben, as he had been then - she tries to imagine the Luke she knows her, her bright young optimistic son, growing old and weary enough that that belief in others fails him that much.

It is an awful thought.

She thinks of Ben, young and afraid and uncertain as Anakin had been, but without any of the knowledge. Anakin had at least known of the Dark Side, understood some of the nature of the temptations. It had not been enough in the end, but perhaps it had given him some time. But after the Purge, after everything - how could Ben know what it was he was struggling with, truly? Only the stories of Darth Vader and his terror remained, and how much could Luke truly have learned in such a short time in the middle of war from Obi-Wan and Yoda? So much knowledge lost and destroyed, and so many lives affected.

Like the child Kylo must have been, once, young and struggling and trying without even knowing what he was fighting against. Without anyone knowing really what he was fighting against. The Jedi Order hadn't helped Anakin, particularly, but the knowledge had. If only --

If only, if only.

She struggles, visibly, tears in her eyes, but her hand stays on his arm gently even as she turns her gaze away for a moment, looks into the forest as she blinks to clear her eyes a little. ]

I understand. [ It's not much, at first, but she does finally have an understanding on why the difference in name is so important to him. It takes a little bit longer for her to find her voice more fully, turning back to look at him. ]

I'm so very sorry, Kylo. [ She wants to say more, and at some point will, but for the moment that is all she can find the words for, moving her hand from his arm to offer a hug if he would accept it. ]

[ He's not quite sure what reaction he was expecting, but somehow, she manages to find the one he was hoping for- and he doesn't need to push into her mind or rely on a Force bond to know that she does actually understand. He almost feels guilty for laying this on her- none of this was her fault, and she doesn't deserve the suffering. But he will receive no satisfaction tearing the Luke who has yet to commit this crime apart. He's not even certain, any more, that destroying his old teacher will give him what he wants.

There's so much more he could say. About Luke, about Leia, about what he did next. But for now, he mutely accepts her embrace and rests his face on her shoulder, his eyes closed. ]

[ As soon as he accepts it she wraps her arms around him, fiercely strong, more than one might expect from her small frame. She lets the silence rest around them both for a long moment before she speaks again. ]

I wish I had been there, for you. For all of you. But I am glad to have the chance to know you and be here for you now.

[ He sucks in a shuddering breath, drinking in the sheer strength of her- the determined choice for compassion. There's nothing passive or weak about it.

It's ironic. That he should see it so clearly now. ]

I know.

[ He mumbles it into her shoulder. ]

Thank you.

You are my family. [ She will remain holding him until he no longer needs it.

Her mother had used to tell her, when she was little, My love for you runs as deep as the oceans at our heart. It had been an old, poetic thing, a reference to the oceans running through Naboo's core, and Padme had always laughed even as it gave her warmth.

Padme understands the sentiment much better, these days. ]

And even if I were not, I hope and believe I would still be able to see you for the man you are, and recognize the effort you are putting into walking your own path.

He wasn't wrong about me.

[ He keeps his face hidden there, his heart pounding, but eventually it feels like dishonesty. Like cheating. He pulls back enough to look her in the eyes. ]

She asked me. When I went to help her, and again, at the party. Do you remember? She asked me why. Why I had killed them all. Someone told her I killed all the Jedi, I don't know who. Dameron, perhaps.
All the Jedi. As if there were hundreds of them.

What could I have told her? That her brother attacked me first? Even if I had wanted to, she would never have believed me. And what would it have mattered? I did kill them. The other students. I killed anyone who stood against me.
I was exactly the monster he had feared.

And I still am.
I'm just... more. I am more than that, too.

[ She meets his gaze squarely and openly, nothing hidden on her face. There is only sorrow and acceptance, there. ]

I remember, yes.

Kylo, you've done terrible things. I don't know the full extent of them, and I have not inquired. You can tell me, at any point, if that is what you need, but I do not otherwise feel a need to know the details. [ Her hands are still resting on his shoulders, her gaze still earnest. ]

I understand Leia's desire to know why. To know how you could have done it. I feel it myself, sometimes -- Anakin --

[ Her voice falters and she looks away for a long moment. ]

I love him, Kylo. I love him more than life itself. [ She looks back at him after a moment, her small smile at even Anakin's name still sad. ]

It does not mean that I do not struggle to reconcile the person I know and love and care for with the person who committed those atrocities. They are the same person. I have to find a way to accept that, and so far I have.

Leia here -- she did not know you before this. She's still very young, and very angry -- her planet was destroyed in front of her eyes mere months ago, from her perspective. She didn't even know you existed until recently. She only found out upon arriving here it was her father who tortured her and destroyed the planet and parents she knew as her home.

Of course you are more. Of course you are a whole person. But there must be time, to heal and accept. She would rather fight, I think.

[ She pauses, sighs. ] Perhaps you both must walk your own paths, for the moment. You will not find what you are looking for from your mother in her because she is not that person yet. And Leia -- I do not think she knows, yet, what she is looking for.

[ He listens, still and patient- it's surprisingly easy, with Padmé. Some of what she says he already knows. Some of it, he doesn't.

He thinks of the night Leia had come to him. He thinks of his attempts to navigate around the inevitable questions that were always going to shatter everything. He thinks of his attempt to persuade her to let go of the pain of the past and he hates himself for his cowardice. For trying to escape her anger by encouraging her to make promises she could never understand the weight of, let alone keep.

And then Padmé says she is not that person yet, and he can't think of anything else, because he knows the truth in that instant. His mother is lost to him. He will never find what he is so desperately looking for from his mother; not here, because she is yet to exist, and not there, because she is gone. ]

No. I know. [ He swallows, glancing upward in an attempt to keep his eyes from welling up. ] No.

My mother's dead, Padmé. She's dead.
That's why I went to her. I wanted to see her. I just wanted to see her.

[ It is only a few words, but it at once makes everything so much clearer to understan and so much more heartbreaking.

To think of Leia, young and vital and full of energy as she is -- to think of her dead is unthinkable. Padme's head bows for a moment under the weight of the knowledge. One hand drops to her lap, clenched into a fist, but the other remains on his shoulder, still gentle. ]

I understand. [ She does, through her own grief. ] I'm so sorry things turned out as they did in your time. [ When she lifts her face again, there are tears in her eyes. ]

I'm so sorry, Kylo. [ Leia. Luke. Anakin. She's sorry for all of them. ]

I wish we had found a way to create a better galaxy, for all of you.

[ Kylo doesn't commonly experience guilt. Regret, yes. But guilt is a different beast entirely. He sees tears in Padmé's eyes and he feels responsible for them.

He rests his hand on hers, cultivating calm as best he is able despite the turmoil churning inside. ]

We are here now. We have this chance now.
We can exist here. We can make it better.

[ She turns her hand up under his, squeezes it gently as she leans her head back on his shoulder. ]

We can, and we will.

As hard as it is to know what comes, Kylo, I do not regret the chance to know my children and to know my grandchild. To have the opportunity to speak to you, and give what comfort I can.

To have the chance to truly know you all, to speak to you and to let you know how much I love you all -- it has been the greatest gift I've ever been given.

[ He doesn't know what to say for a long time. Perhaps it's the lack of Snoke's drip-feed interference, but feels as if rage doesn't come as easily as it once had- and in it's place right now is something he doesn't yet know how to name.

It's like being tired. Very, very tired. ]

You deserve better than this.

[ It's a quiet observation, entirely unremarkable aside from the subtle shift in perspective lying underneath. It isn't often Kylo attempts to look directly at the pain he has caused others- declaring himself irredeemable and believing it to be true is so much simpler. ]

[ Padme sighs out a little, shakes her head, but there's affection in the squeeze of her hand around his, the curl of her arm. There is also, somewhere in the back of her mind, the awareness that this is not a sentiment of a kind she's ever really heard him express before. ]

Deserve is a word that is hard to attribute, I believe.

I have what I need. I have Anakin, and my children, and you. However difficult and complicated that is, it is still what I want.

I will do what I can to make it... easier.

[ He's not exactly done the best job of that so far, but mostly through the consequences of actions he took far away from here, and simple, clumsy ignorance.
In all honesty he hasn't the faintest idea how to make Padmé's life look more like he believes it should, but his intent is genuine. Fiercely so. Though at least for now the exhaustion settling into his bones softens the intensity of his vow into something gentler. ]

Let me take you home. It's cold.

That's kind of you, Kylo.

[ And touching, in a way that warms her heart. And the offer makes her smile, as well, gentle and pleased. ]

I would like that. I don't fear these streets at night, but it is still a comfort to have you with me.

[ And strangely, he knows she's telling the truth. She really does consider his presence comforting, somehow. He can't begin to fathom why- it's not like Hux, whose half-formed fear of being taken by his enemies here vanishes in his presence. No, it's something else.

But he doesn't really know what it is. ]

You're kind, Padmé. I'm--

[ He pauses, trying to force an idea he doesn't even properly understand into words. All he knows is that something rebels inside him when she says he is kind, even though it's something he wants to hear from her. It's frustrating, and it takes him a little too long for the pause to seem intentional, even without the other clues of his furrowed brow and firm-pressed lips.

In the end, it isn't a pause at all because he has nothing to follow it with. He just glances down at his hands before easing up onto his feet and offering her an arm up. ]

[ She takes his arm easily, standing up and leaning into his warmth. ]

You're kind as well. [ That is something she will not let him question of himself, so as kind as her tone is it is also firm. But for the most part she will be content to walk in silence, should be want it. That he seems better for now, even if she knows there is still likely a fair amount of fall out to deal with from all of this -- that is sufficient for the moment.

Her hand is firm against his arm, and she walks closer than is strictly necessary. The comfort does not come from the additional safety she knows his presence provides.

It comes, rather, from having him here and close and trusting her, and from the knowledge that he is open to what help she can give, and that he cares for her happiness and safety. ]

[ He doesn't say anything else for a long while, almost as if trying to decide whether or not he should speak at all. But the truth of it is, he's been... lonely. For a long time. He doesn't really remember being anything else, but he does know he's always hated it.

So when he speaks again, it's an awkward but genuine attempt to connect with her.
Without the filter of their pasts and futures. Just as people. ]

You don't seem to mind the cold. As Anakin does.

[ She considers the question, answers easily. It has been comfortable to walk with him in silence, but it is equally so to speak with him. ]

Anakin grew up on Tatooine -- a desert planet with two suns. He didn't leave it until he was nine. He's never really gotten used to the cold.

My own planet was fairly temperate, but I spent a great deal of time travelling in space from a young age. There's never a way to keep a ship warm in the middle of space, not truly. I'm sure you know.

[IC CONTACT]

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