photophobic | [IC CONTACT]

Neither of us knew what to do. No matter what, we still loved you.

No. You loved what you wanted your son to be.

I didn’t want my son to be anything other than himself.

[ He holds his device tightly for a moment. There are so many bitter, vicious things he could snap out in response to that, and he wants to hurl every last one in her face- but something has changed in her.
He sensed it before, when he couldn't fire on the bridge of the rebel ship- and he senses it now. All the things that he had believed about her feelings for him... none of it seems so certain any more.

He breathes. ]

Then you should be pleased for me.

If you aren’t busy, meet with me?

[ To see him in person where they aren’t surrounded by war, it would be a nice change. There are also some things she wishes to tell him but in person.

Should she be pleased for him? Leia could argue that she and Han hadn’t raised him to become a killer, to kill his own father, however since when had they properly raised him? They’d clearly left a bad impression on him as far as parenting went. ]

[ He knows this can only end badly. He knows.
But his fingers are moving already. ]

There's a small park in De Chima. I've sent the co-ordinates.

[ And he does. He stares at the screen after the message is sent, trying to fight through the tangle of his thoughts- but it's too frustrating.
Instead, he dresses quickly and steps out before he can change his mind, his muscles still sore from the punishing workout he put himself through earlier. ]

I’ll be there

[ It’s a relief when she receives the coordinates. It means he’s agreed to her request. Though chances are he would beat her there, he isn’t the one with a small shuffle in his step.

As she’s already dressed she leaves the house and makes her way to the park. Is she nervous? Yes. But why?

The cane she’d picked up soon after waking and finding how much she’d aged, it taps the pavement with each step, breaking through the silence that follows her. ]

[ He is there already, of course- standing perfectly, unnaturally still, the tension coiled up inside dangerously tight. He wants to pace- but he doesn't want her to see him like that, stalking back and forth like a caged animal. He wants her to see him strong. Controlled.

Unwelcome concern tugs at his heart as he sees her approach- she's so old.So old. So many years separating them. He swallows, and waits for her to come to him. This is her silence- let her break it. ]

[ Seeing him there, Leia only pauses briefly. He was waiting. There were so many more emotions going through her upon seeing him standing so tall and so still. Relief, concern, love. Each fell and sat heavy in their own right in her very being. This was her son, her flesh and blood, a man who carried his father’s height and his mother’s eyes.

When she stops, there’s but a few feet separating them. Her fingers tighten over the top of her cane. She tilts her head to meet his eye, gaze searching his face. What does she say? Are you well? Are you eating? Does she reach out for him?

Physically? No, not yet. With the Force? Yes, like a gentle brush against his jaw. ]

[ This is dangerous. He knows it. Something of her has been here in this world since before he arrived, but he's been able to keep some kind of distance with her being younger- as if she were a living holovid of a time before he even existed. In moments of weakness he had chosen to see her as he needed to, yes, but she had always been something separate from the woman who approaches him now.

She is his mother. It sits within him, that knowledge- heavy, solid, immutable.
She is his mother, and a part of him will always ache for the comfort she had once been able to give him, when he was small and didn't yet understand that comfort wasn't for people like him.

He meets her eyes. Forces himself to. He is firm and strong, he is the power she feared would destroy him.
And he is tired. Hollow and lost. He is both these things. But neither side of the struggle under his skin flinches away from her as she reaches out for him through the Force. ]

I'm here.

[ She'd wanted so badly to reach out when he'd approached her ship, in those last few moments before she'd sensed the incoming shots fired that would send her and her crew out into space. Then she could only sense the turmoil and struggle within him, the worry in herself, the longing that he would come home.

Now, here, Leia gives a faint smile, grateful that he doesn't pull away or push back her touch with the Force. ]

As am I.

[ There's no smile in return. Something in him twists- but he won't allow it to reach his face. He swallows, keeping his eyes steady on hers even as everything that boils beneath the surface aches to run. To her, from her- both at once. ]

You wanted to see me. Are you satisfied?

Yes, I am, and no.

[ Leia doesn't want him to run from her. Although she and Han were the ones to push him away, him running from her is the last thing she wants right now. She doesn't have much time, she knows this, and perhaps...he knows this as well. Things cannot go unresolved between them.

A small step closer is taken, her focus as unwavering as his as she watches him. ]

[ He doesn't flinch. She asked him to come meet with her, he came. Mostly, to prove to the both of them that he isn't afraid of her. That no matter what she could say or do, he has made himself immune to further injury.

For Kylo Ren, this is almost a test. ]

Then what is it you want from me?

To see you for myself, with my own eyes. Not in dreams, not in memories. I wanted to see my son.

[ And now she has. It's been too long. Fleeting brushes with the Force, she needs more than that, but Leila won't push him. She knows they've hugged, her younger self, from the past. How unfair is it that it's been what feels like ages since she'd had such an opportunity. ]

And?

[ There's a very slight tremble at the edge of his voice. The storm raging under his skin whirls and tumbles, very barely contained by the unnatural rigidity of his stance, the steeled resolve in every muscle and sinew that holds him together. ]

Do you see him now?

[ Her voice comes out soft, hoarse. Emotion feels thick in her throat. ]

Of course I do. Ben—

[ Not thinking, just acting on her emotions and what she can sense from him, Leia reaches out for his arm, a hand hopefully finding a place at his forearm. ]

Edited (That was an angry icon oops 😩) 2018-09-05 00:44 (UTC)

[ He doesn't stop her.

His heart lurches sickeningly in his chest as he looks down at her, at her hand on his arm, but he doesn't pull away– and before he has any time to react further she says that name. He stills completely, his heart racing.

He knew it was coming, and still... that name is tied to so much hate, so much rage, so much raw, unprocessed hurt. His fingers curl into tight balled fists, the muscles of his forearm shifting under her touch. ]

No. I stopped answering to that name a long time ago. Just as you stopped seeing him when you looked at me. All of you.

No. I see you.

[ Her grip tightened on his arm, a response to the shift she felt beneath her hand. The struggle to hold on and not let him go too far when she knew he wanted to pull away. Leia would plead, until her last breath. Was he all she had left? Luke was gone, though she knew he would never truly be gone from her. Han was gone. Even the rebels were far and few. ]

No matter who you become. No matter how strong or how powerful.

[ He swallows, unable to respond immediately. His rage, his grief– it wants to scream back at her, make her hurt the way he is hurt. Nothing she says can unmake the past. The wound is so deep.
And in many ways, it's the only thing he has left that makes any sense. He's built himself around it. ]

No matter what I have done?

[ His voice is raw, torn ragged with bitterness. ]

I wish I believed you. But you threw me away before I had done any of it.

We didn't throw you away— [ The way those last three words come out, hoarse, disbelieving, Leia stares up at him and sifts through what emotions lay bare, in the Force between them, in his tone, his expression. Her fingers squeeze again at his arm. Why can't he just understand? ] Your uncle knew more about the Force than I ever could. And your father...

[ It was just mumbo-jumbo that he didn't care to fully understand. Han just knew it was there, it existed in what tricks she or Luke had done from time to time. Thinking about Han now, it was bittersweet that he lived on in this world, as young as she remembered. Their Rebellion days. ]

Luke was a better mentor. He was the only one I could trust who could teach you.

[ He stares, chest heaving– fury roaring in his ears, surging stronger with every word. ]

Do you know?

[ His eyes are sharp. ]

What he did. Your better mentor, who was the only one you could trust. Do you?

[ She doesn't hesitate, doesn't doubt what he could say next. She's quiet, however, as she tries to think about what Luke could have possibly done to her son. The way things were now, had it always been because of Luke? Leia thinks back on their last meeting in the old Rebellion base. Luke had been there to face Kylo Ren, had said that he couldn't save him. ]

Tell me.

[ He's seething, now. But if he tells her the truth, he'll never get the answer he wants. He'll never know what his mother believed of him, all those years. ]

No. You first. Tell me what you thought happened to your son. Tell me what you believed.

[ Her brow twitches. What..? But then they furrow. ]

I believed that Luke had failed. Failed you, failed me. Even he was no match in guiding you through the Force, Light side and Dark. I knew both were in you, I knew from the first moment I felt you within me.

I believed that, because he had failed, that my son was lost to me. My son was hurting, and I didn't know how to help beyond what comfort I already offered him.

What did Luke do? Tell me.

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