[IC CONTACT]

[photophobic]

You should know where to find me.
But if you leave a message here, I will see it.

Comments

[photophobic]

No. I don't see the future.
I can see the strain. The flow. Balance. The place I occupy in the greater whole we are all part of.

[solarcharged]

Surely we're not ALL a part of it?

[photophobic]

Everyone and everything.

[solarcharged]

[ Yeah, no thanks! ]

I'm more of the opinion that there's no such thing as predetermined fate.

[photophobic]

But you can accept that we are all connected. It isn't a new concept, even on this planet.

[And he'll just... casually link you some John Donne, sorry.]

[solarcharged]

[ okay that was a pretty read but apollo gets the distinct feeling he's missing a grander point. With a sideways glance at the man beside him, he types: ]

Connection is exactly why I find it so hard to believe in fate, actually.

What do you think about soulmates?

[photophobic]

Soulmates plural as in one for every one. Or soulmates as in beings that happen to align perfectly together.

[Kylo has... a lot of thoughts, really, on the concept of soulmates. Most of them are unfinished.]

Do you think that our being interconnected disproves fate?
Or is it simply the idea of an individual being fated to do or be something that you reject.

[solarcharged]

One soulmate for every person. Someone you're fated to be with, like you're carved out of the same marble. The universe aligns to bring you together, step by step, and you're whole again.

I used to believe in it. Now I'm not so sure. And I guess it made me re-evaluate the whole fate thing as a result. Nowadays I'm pretty damn sure we make our own fates. What we do determines our future, not the other way around.

[photophobic]

Language is so imperfect. Isn't it.

"We make our own fates." "What we do determines our future."

What is "we".

[solarcharged]

I don't know. Me. Everyone. Or maybe just anyone who doesn't believe in predetermined futures. I'm not starting a revolution against the concept of fate, I've just lost faith in it.

Look, you're the one who's good with words, not me.

[photophobic]

You're working from an isolated, singular, individual perspective. You, and I. Every single person, as their own limited and contained entity, determining their own path. Each individual with autonomous control over their choices, using them to shape their own future.

You must see how that isn't possible.

[solarcharged]

Must I? Sounds ideal, actually.

[ says the anarchist ]

[photophobic]

[Kylo's lips tug into a small, unseen and almost fond smile.
Perhaps some things do have to be seen to be believed.]

A pleasant fantasy, yes.
As for "soulmates". No. I don't believe in them as you describe. But I don't believe in the kind of fate you have lost faith in, either.

[solarcharged]

Sounds like I'm not the only on to lose faith.

[photophobic]

That would require me to have had any to begin with.

[solarcharged]

True.

Do you mind if I return the question, purely out of curiosity? Do you consider yourself sinful?

[photophobic]

What other reason to ask a question is there?
But no. I don't mind.

Do I consider myself sinful.

It isn't the word I would have used. I'm not certain there is a word, where I am from, for what I believed I was. For what I was taught beings like me are.
Sinful may be close. I'd known since I was a child that I was something that couldn't be allowed to exist. An abomination. A monster.
And I am all the things they told me were unacceptable. There is and has always been a darkness within me.

But I no longer believe my darkness disqualifies me from the light.

[solarcharged]

[ Oh no. Midnighter feelings. ]

Of course it doesn't.

Who's 'they'? Who told you that?

[photophobic]

All our stories. Our culture. Our history.

And my family believed it too. Those with the ability to sense the Force are either selfless heroes who feel no anger or passion, or they are ruthless villains consumed by it.

They didn't need to say it. I knew they were afraid of what I might become. I knew they were right to be afraid.
And I knew they would reject me once they realised I was not the hope of their new Republic or their new Jedi Order, like they wanted me to be.

[Well. He's come this far. After a moment of thought he adds:]

I didn't expect they would try to kill me in my sleep. I should have done.

[solarcharged]

[ Frowning at his phone in the darkness, Apollo has to read that a few times to really make sure he's understood that right. It doesn't make him any less angry. ]

Your own family. What happened next?

[photophobic]

[What happened next.

Kylo stares at the words on the screen, an unpleasant tension building as he considers his answer. There's a significant delay.

Then:]

I wasn't their hero. I gave them their villain.

[solarcharged]

[ What the fuck is he meant to say in response to that? Apollo's seen bad, he's seen evil, but nearly all of it was cause and effect. A response to something - pain, fear, trauma. ]

They did try and kill you.

[ Turnabout, and all that. ]

[photophobic]

[There had been a time when that had been all the justification Kylo needed. The memory of his uncle standing over him, everything bathed in the lurid green light of a failed execution. The reflected imagery of Luke's vision, the certainty of the future horror stretched out before them.

But with Snoke a proven liar and so much of what he'd done in service to him built on a belief he no longer holds, there's little comfort left to be found in the reminder that he was betrayed first.

He'd been used.

He still hasn't confronted the shame of that realisation— only the fury it's packaged in— but something of it slips past his defenses as he reads and re-reads Apollo's reply, recognising the generosity of the excuse he's offering. Loathing it. If he were alone, he'd be on his feet by now with his weapon in hand, tearing whatever was closest enough to shreds.

But he isn't alone. Ronan lies beside him, the steady rhythm of his breathing waiting to guide Kylo's pounding heart back to stability. He's warm. And if Kylo chooses, he can draw Ronan's arms around his body and surround himself in the evidence of all the things he is that neither Snoke or Luke or anyone else could see.

He's wrapped in Ronan's arms with his back pressed up against Ronan's chest by the time he responds:]

And they paid for their failure.
You could say that they made their own fates. When they decided mine.

[solarcharged]

[ The bitter undertone is to be expected, really. A murder attempt from your own family, from those your trust - Apollo can hardly blame the guy for wanting violent retribution. Still... Apollo faintly regrets not having this conversation in the light of day. ]

I suppose this is something beyond forgiveness, isn't it.

[ Statement, not a question. ]

[photophobic]

[It's highly unlikely Kylo would have had this conversation in the light of day. Nestled in Ronan's arms, he types back the only response anyone should expect from him:]

I don't believe in forgiveness.