photophobic | [IC CONTACT]

Do you remember. When we spoke, the day I came looking for my grandfather.
I told you it was inevitable. That if I reached out, I would be rejected.
I gave her honesty. She gave me freedom.
I am not her son.

You are my grandson.

Whether she chooses to accept you or not at this time does not and will not change that. Nor, I feel, does it stop the truth from being the truth.

Where are you? I do not have the Force to guide me.

[ He stares at the words for a long while, and realises he doesn't quite know where he is. He'd just started walking and hadn't stopped, wearing in the memory of his mother threatening him with a lightsaber like a new pair of boots.
He looks it up on his device, frowning at his position on the map. ]

On the outskirts of the city.

[ Halfway, he notices, between his home and Hux's office. He hadn't realised. ]

When did she get a lightsaber?
It isn't wise. She has no control.
She is close enough to the Dark Side already.
She will fall.

If you send me the location identification, I will come.

[ She is not sure he would like company, right now. Not sure he will accept it. But she will always offer, as she would for any of her children. The mention of a lightsaber gives her pause, though. ]

I was not aware she had acquired one, or that it was possible to here. But she has been training with Master Kenobi, I believe.

But she has not fallen yet, and you are not in it's grasp either. And as long as I have any ability to help, neither of you will be.

Please let me come to you.

[ She could not put a specific finger on what it is that has made her so certain something is very wrong. The mention of Leia having a lightsaber was one part, certainly - had he just noticed it? If he had simply seen it, she's not sure that would have been enough to bring it up to her. His flatness, the lack of elaboration in his replies, that is part of it. It paints her a part of a whole that she does not like, combined with his talk of being rejected. ]

[ Anakin, and now Leia. Like himself, and Rey. He has never been more certain that the Jedi are all fools. ]

Kenobi. Of course.
One failed student is never enough.

[ He doesn't want Padmé to come. But her fear- her fear for him, it cuts through the hum of shock. He doesn't send her a map, but he doesn't fall silent, either. ]

What do you think you will see.
If you come.

[ The first part she doesn't respond to, because she doesn't know how to. It stings, hard and sharp, mostly because of the potential truth in it. She knows Obi Wan, knows his kindness and his strength and his guilt.

She is not certain he has not remained as blind to the faults in others as he was before. As they both were, once. The last part gets an easy response from her, though, almost immediate. ]

My grandson, who would never willingly hurt me, and who needs someone.

[ He stops short at that message- it's an irresistible hook. He stares at it, attempts to type a response several times- but in the end, all he sends her is his location.

It's a small, fairly overgrown and untended park in a residential area. Kylo sits on a bench by the entrance. ]

[ She shows up not long after. While she has mostly gained control over her power, sometimes her emotions still reflect in her clothing. As it does now.

Even if Kylo will not recognize the significance, she does. When she finds him, she reaches a hand out and touches his cheek gently, if he allows her. ]

You look tired.

Edited 2018-02-10 15:09 (UTC)

[ He doesn't flinch. He doesn't lean into her touch either- but he does look up.

She's not wrong. He's exhausted. He's fresh from a grueling physical fight after finally freeing himself of his master- who, he has learned, had been manipulating his thoughts, his feelings, his perceptions. He has gained and lost a connection that runs so deep he wouldn't know where to begin to describe it. And that's without beginning to unravel the mess that is the complex balancing act of justifications for his crimes.

He has Anakin's lightsaber in his hands.
Some part of him had seen it as a sign, when he found himself here with it, his own presumably still lying on the throneroom floor, another galaxy away.
He glances down at it and puts it aside- it's a misunderstanding he wants to cut off before it can begin. ]

I am. So are you.

[ Her smile in response is genuine and earnest, and once he has allowed her touch she sits down beside him, wraps an arm around him gently. Whatever has happened, whatever will happen, she refuses to abandon him.

She rests her head on his shoulder, reaches her free hand for his. ]

I am. But that doesn't mean I can't be worried about you, or want to help. You're my family.

I will always care, Kylo.

[ He accepts it all, mute and still, though when she reaches for his hand he laces his fingers though hers. This isn't something he is merely tolerating- he wants it. The touch, the reassurance. ]

I knew this would happen.
I told you it would.

[ Truthfully, it had been more than he'd anticipated, considering what he had felt was the progress towards an understanding they'd made. But perhaps that had all been wishful thinking after all.
Lies he had told himself because he liked the idea of being something better. ]

You did say it would.

[ She squeezes his hand a little, stays leaning on him. ]

But I have faith in my daughter, as I do in you. She is angry and hurt, and feels trapped here with knowledge she never wanted, but she cares a great deal as well. Give her time. I believe she will come to regret having hurt you.

[ Her arm around him and the warmth of her hand remind him just in time not to crush his hands into tight fists- he won't hurt her. He concentrates on remaining actively mindful of his physical reactions, breathing out slowly to find control- and so his voice isn't as harsh and furious as the storm raging under his skin. ]

I don't want her regret, or her apologies. I don't want her forgiveness.
I want her to look at me. And to know that she sees what I am. What I choose.

Oh, Kylo.

[ She sighs, bringing her cloak up around his shoulders. She's seen how badly it had hurt Anakin to have Leia refuse to acknowledge him as her father. She can only imagine how much harder the sting for Kylo to be rejected by his mother, even if it is not the version of his mother he knows. (Rejected, possibly, twice over? She still does not know what happened for him to have drifted so far.)

She's quiet for a long moment, mulling things over. ]

What is it that she sees now? I do not know what happened between you two today.

She cannot accept me as her son as I am.

[ He looks down at their hands and lets his eyes close. ]

I am unacceptable. And not even because of what I have done. She wants me to be Ben Solo, a boy she never even met. A child she-- my mother. Sent away.

I have done... terrible things. Things that cannot be undone. But I am capable of... more. I can be kind. I can be gentle, and... loving. Those things belong to me just as much as anything else. I won't--

[ I won't give them to Ben Solo, he wants to snarl. ]

I won't let her say that there is nothing good in me.

[ Padme mulls those words over, considers. Would she have found it possible to accept, if Anakin had chosen to ask her to accept him only as Darth Vader?

It would be difficult, certainly. It is hard enough, to understand both what he has done and what he has chosen here, and for her, and what she has hope he will continue to choose. But she has known him always as Anakin, more than half of both of their lives by now. And he did not take Darth Vader as a name except for as a servant to Palpatine. ]

There was a reason you chose not to be Ben Solo anymore. [ When she speaks, it's with certainty. (Why Ben Solo? Why not Organa or Skywalker? There are always questions in the back of her mind, even if she can guess many of the answers.) ] To take a new name. For it to matter so strongly to you that this is who you are, and that you not be Ben anymore.

[ She lifts her head from his shoulder, but only enough to face him and look into his eyes, her hand and arm still wrapped around his. ]

I do not fear you, Kylo. And I will not, no matter what you say. You have proven to me more than enough that there is good in you.

I didn't choose it. But no. It isn't a preference, it isn't... [ he thinks of his mask, his jaw clenching. ] an affectation. That I can discard. They made their choices, and I made mine.

[ His voice is very tight, but somehow he manages to keep the anger out of his grip on her hand. It isn't easy, but he is absolutely determined not to hurt her, not even by squeezing her hand too hard. ]

I told you she sent me away. To train with Luke. To become a great Jedi. Her hope.
I tried, Padmé. I tried so hard to stamp out the darkness. I gave them everything I had, trying to be what they wanted. But it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

[ He meets her eyes, searching for something in there- he doesn't even know exactly what he's looking for. He wants to tell her. Having tasted being seen he aches, so intensely, for someone to help him carry the secret. But while it remains inside of him and there alone, while he possesses it, he controls it, too. He's not certain he's ready to let it go.
He almost wishes Rey were here, despite the tension she would cause. ]

She doesn't know anything about Ben Solo. None of them do. She doesn't know what they did. To him. [ His breath catches. Shudders. ] It would destroy her.

Edited 2018-02-12 18:30 (UTC)

[ Underneath this, underneath all of this, is what happened. Padme knows that, deep in her heart.

What happened to all of them. Leia. Luke. Kylo. What happened to them, and what they chose. She knows - has known for some time now - that she will not find any of it pleasant in the details. But she has also already known that long enough that she finds it does not hold as much fear as it once did. ]

There was Snoke, working on you. I know that. [ She meets his gaze squarely, earnestly. There's sadness there, the sadness Leia once spoke of when she remembered her mother's face. Padme cannot change what has happened in the future any more than she can change her death. ]

And I do not know, truly, about Luke or Leia, or you. It is hard, to come before so much of what has affected those you care about. And I think it is easily as difficult to come from later times. Both knowledge and the lack of it are equally difficult to move past.

Tell me about what they did to Ben, then.

[ A simple answer, in it's way, but it is an invitation. ]

[ He wants to retort that this was before Snoke, but-- was it? He can't be certain. And while Snoke can be blamed for many things, it's not like the darkness has let him go now he's dead. How much of it was in him from the beginning, he can't be sure. He'll never know.

He gathers himself. She asked, and he's willing to share. If anyone can be trusted with secrets... ]

I was at the Jedi school Luke had set up. I studied all the texts I could get my hands on, I spent every waking moment training- physical and mental exercises. Luke could barely keep up with me, and I- I struggled. Not with the lessons. With the darkness.

[ No, he's going to have to let go of her hand- he can feel the pressure building, the rage surging under the surface, and he refuses to harm her with it. ]

I could tell he sensed it. I knew he was concerned. But I thought-- I was subduing it. I never used it, Padmé, I didn't. Because I knew, if I ever did, I would never be able to stop. And I don't know why it was that night rather than any other. I don't remember anything different about it. Nothing.
But he waited until I was asleep. And he crept into my bedroom, armed with his lightsaber.

I woke just in time to defend myself from the attack. And that- that was when I stopped being their Ben Solo.

[ She listens. At first her face is unwavering, calm. When he lets go of her hand she moves her grasp instead to his forearm, gentle and not demanding, but still present.

Still listening.

But it shows on her face, when he speaks of that night, the devastation she feels, the sorrow for both him and for Luke. Luke had forgiven Anakin, had sought to redeem him. For him to have not extended the same hand to Kylo - to Ben, as he had been then - she tries to imagine the Luke she knows her, her bright young optimistic son, growing old and weary enough that that belief in others fails him that much.

It is an awful thought.

She thinks of Ben, young and afraid and uncertain as Anakin had been, but without any of the knowledge. Anakin had at least known of the Dark Side, understood some of the nature of the temptations. It had not been enough in the end, but perhaps it had given him some time. But after the Purge, after everything - how could Ben know what it was he was struggling with, truly? Only the stories of Darth Vader and his terror remained, and how much could Luke truly have learned in such a short time in the middle of war from Obi-Wan and Yoda? So much knowledge lost and destroyed, and so many lives affected.

Like the child Kylo must have been, once, young and struggling and trying without even knowing what he was fighting against. Without anyone knowing really what he was fighting against. The Jedi Order hadn't helped Anakin, particularly, but the knowledge had. If only --

If only, if only.

She struggles, visibly, tears in her eyes, but her hand stays on his arm gently even as she turns her gaze away for a moment, looks into the forest as she blinks to clear her eyes a little. ]

I understand. [ It's not much, at first, but she does finally have an understanding on why the difference in name is so important to him. It takes a little bit longer for her to find her voice more fully, turning back to look at him. ]

I'm so very sorry, Kylo. [ She wants to say more, and at some point will, but for the moment that is all she can find the words for, moving her hand from his arm to offer a hug if he would accept it. ]

[ He's not quite sure what reaction he was expecting, but somehow, she manages to find the one he was hoping for- and he doesn't need to push into her mind or rely on a Force bond to know that she does actually understand. He almost feels guilty for laying this on her- none of this was her fault, and she doesn't deserve the suffering. But he will receive no satisfaction tearing the Luke who has yet to commit this crime apart. He's not even certain, any more, that destroying his old teacher will give him what he wants.

There's so much more he could say. About Luke, about Leia, about what he did next. But for now, he mutely accepts her embrace and rests his face on her shoulder, his eyes closed. ]

[ As soon as he accepts it she wraps her arms around him, fiercely strong, more than one might expect from her small frame. She lets the silence rest around them both for a long moment before she speaks again. ]

I wish I had been there, for you. For all of you. But I am glad to have the chance to know you and be here for you now.

[ He sucks in a shuddering breath, drinking in the sheer strength of her- the determined choice for compassion. There's nothing passive or weak about it.

It's ironic. That he should see it so clearly now. ]

I know.

[ He mumbles it into her shoulder. ]

Thank you.

You are my family. [ She will remain holding him until he no longer needs it.

Her mother had used to tell her, when she was little, My love for you runs as deep as the oceans at our heart. It had been an old, poetic thing, a reference to the oceans running through Naboo's core, and Padme had always laughed even as it gave her warmth.

Padme understands the sentiment much better, these days. ]

And even if I were not, I hope and believe I would still be able to see you for the man you are, and recognize the effort you are putting into walking your own path.

He wasn't wrong about me.

[ He keeps his face hidden there, his heart pounding, but eventually it feels like dishonesty. Like cheating. He pulls back enough to look her in the eyes. ]

She asked me. When I went to help her, and again, at the party. Do you remember? She asked me why. Why I had killed them all. Someone told her I killed all the Jedi, I don't know who. Dameron, perhaps.
All the Jedi. As if there were hundreds of them.

What could I have told her? That her brother attacked me first? Even if I had wanted to, she would never have believed me. And what would it have mattered? I did kill them. The other students. I killed anyone who stood against me.
I was exactly the monster he had feared.

And I still am.
I'm just... more. I am more than that, too.

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